What really happened was this...
Though Jennie really, really wanted to be part of the 'surgery party', she had a far more important hospital bedside to wait by. Her sweet son Wesley, had been admitted to the U of I for Kidney complications. No worries... they are brilliant people and he is all good! Lora and Cara were still able to join the party. Thank God! Having them meet us bright and early and knowing that Aaron would have their love and support while I was getting this nasty cancer removed put me at ease. This circle of women I have... Webster himself does not have enough words.
I remember lots of questions from doctors, nurses, OT... It was all a blur. When the time finally came, I kissed my husband and hugged my girlfriends. As I was wheeled down the hall, they started the relaxation process. I can remember being asked if I felt relaxed yet. I didn't, so they gave me some more as we rolled into the operating room. That time it made me giggle. It must have been working. After that, I remember being in awe of everything going on around me. It was quite the orchestration. The last thing I remember was having my arms pulled out to the side and then I woke up in recovery with a very sweet nurse asking me how I was doing and what my pain was.
Here is a free lesson for Y'all. When you are in the recovery room, and the nice RN's ask about your pain, this is not a time to worry about not being a bother. Of course, I told her I was fine and what they had given me was wonderful, thank you. She gave me another warm blanket (I need a blanket warmer at home) and walked back to the nurses station. That's when I learned my lesson. My right arm hurt so bad. I could not project my voice yet, as my throat was feeling a bit rough from being intubated. I remember weeping and willing her to turn around. She did, very quickly actually - and saw that I had not been truthful earlier. She took care of that and as soon as I calmed down I was rolled to my real room where I was met by my surgery party people.
As they were rolling me in, Cara asked how I was feeling and of course I told her I was good. I hardly got that out and the sweet nurse who knew the truth told me that I needed to start being honest. She told me that she knew I was physically hurting and that a bilateral mastectomy is emotionally trying - don't keep it in. Didn't take her long at all to learn my game, did it?
Once I was situated with all of the pillows and blankets, the girls and Aaron and I were talking about everything. I have to be honest here. We were so confident in our decision to take both breasts before surgery, that once it was done I really had zero remorse. Still don't. I have seen the meme. There is so much truth to it. They tried to kill me. I fought back. I win.
My next concern was getting Aaron to eat lunch. Cara had to head out, I don't remember what she was doing but I for sure remember feeling bad that she was not going to have time for a nap. Before heading out herself, Lora picked up lunch for Aaron from our favorite little restaurant in Davenport. Los Primos - YUM! Don't worry about me. I was NOT hungry enough to eat anything substantial. The nurses did order me my doctors order of a clear liquid lunch. While Aaron ate, Lora helped me drink my beef broth and eat my Jell-O. Honestly, it really hit the spot and I asked for the same thing at dinner.
I made it through the day and the night. I kept up on my pain meds, expressed my concerns and they were addressed. The plan was to be released some time the next day. There was not one nurse or nurses aid that I would not beg to have again. The nurse that I had during the day when the surgeon told me that I could go home, saw that I was nervous. I was willing to leave. I am sure that I would have been fine. I was just scared. There was still so much pain and getting in and out of a bed that sat me up automatically was still so hard. No sooner had she left the room when she came back and told me that I needed to be honest. (These nurses certainly had my card!) I had not been drinking enough and had not eaten real food for more than one meal. I was afraid to. I also had two friends visiting at that time who were telling on me to the nurse, to keep me honest. The doctor and nurses decided to keep me one more night to make sure that I was able to eat and drink normally before I was on my own. Best decision ever.
The one tough part about staying over again was that I thought I might not get to see my kids and parents before the new year. They were going to Minnesota to see family for the long weekend. That is certainly much more fun than sitting at home watching me time my pain pill doses. My parents did, of course, end up visiting that day with the kids. Lord, I love them all so much! I am pretty sure that my Mom and Dad spent more time in Iowa than Florida this past fall and winter. In my book, that is a serious sacrifice. My kids... gosh. They are so strong! They have taken this all in stride. I am so proud of them. Maybe this visit seems obvious to some of you but in the state of mind I was in, I just didn't think they would want to hang at the hospital with me. Its a good thing people were not listening to my words at this time.
When I woke up the second morning, I immediately felt better. A lot of the sharp edges had worn off of the pain. I was able to sit up with little help to get out of bed. I was walking laps around the unit like nobody's business! (Maybe not super quick... but I felt pretty good about it.) By lunch time, I had managed to change my clothes and pack up my stuff all by myself. It took an awful lot out of me but I was so proud! Aaron picked me up and drove me home. We had the house to ourselves for the weekend and it took me back five months to the beginning of all of this. We had time alone to absorb our new reality then - and here we were again. We needed it.
I need to brag on him a bit here. Aaron had every intention to stay home that afternoon with me but I insisted that once he had me settled and comfortable, he should go back to work. I needed to sleep for a few hours and I promised that I would call him if anything at all came up. Somehow I talked him into going back to the office for a couple of hours. I new that being year end... he really needed to work. He came home and though I can't remember what he brought, we had dinner together and just spent time chatting about nothing at all. It was perfect. Funny, I don't remember the pain that night... I just remember sitting with him. I was comfortably snuggled into the recliner as I couldn't lay flat but he was so worried about me. He slept in the basement with me, just in case something happened over night. He couldn't shake it.
Turns out that was a good plan on his part. You see, our recliner is old and has certainly seen better days but it's broken in and super comfortable. Extra emphasis on the 'broken' part. At some point in the middle of the night, I had to get up to use the restroom. Don't worry, that's not the bad part. When I sat back down, the foot rest kicked itself up and the whole recliner swung backwards, me included. I screamed but managed to not jerk my arms around and clung onto the seat with my legs. Aaron is a very sound sleeper but he still woke up and was at my side (or head) almost before the back of the rocker hit the floor! I was ready to wriggle myself out of the chair on my back to remedy my predicament but he wouldn't let me move. He just tipped things back upright. Lol! It's ok to giggle at me. It was really funny. Aaron didn't think so but I laughed. :) That only almost happened one other time. I learned to double check the foot rest pretty quickly.
The rest of my recovery went fairly smooth. I was just so sore. More than I had prepared myself for. It took a lot to do my OT exercises. They really hurt. I knew it was important to get my arms lifted and stretched though. Ain't nobody got time for lymphedema. I took baby steps and did not return to work after a week or two like I though maybe could happen. I had learned months earlier to prepare for the worst so luckily, I planned with work to be gone for a month and that is what I needed.
There are still a few steps left in my recovery and treatment. They will come a bit more spaced out at this point which is much appreciated by me. I have learned through the post op appointments with the surgeon that they were able to get everything. He took out six lymph nodes and three of them did still have cancer in them. The small spot on my chest wall had gone away and the large tumor shrunk from over eight centimeters long to just 2.8 centimeters. This was all expected and I have learned to love all things expected. Since the officially official staging happens after a pathologist physically sees and measures the tumors, my officially official stage changed from III to II. That was happy news for me, also. It does not change anything but it sounds way less scary. All of these results have confirmed that radiation needed to happen. I am currently at the beginning of this and will have more on it later. So far, so good.
At the end of the day, I learned that my village, old and new, knows me better than I think. They know the truth no matter what comes out of my mouth - and the will call me out on it. They keep me honest and grounded. I learned that surgery hurts. It takes time to heal and it cannot be rushed no matter what I think I can plan for. I was reminded that marriage vows are precious things that should not be taken lightly. My husband loves me unconditionally. There was never any doubt but the sickness and health part has solidified us even more.
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