The Next Step

I made an important decision before my last treatment.  It was a big one, too.  I decided that nothing was going to keep me away from Kinnick Stadium for the final game of the season!  The Iowa/Nebraska game was a BLAST! We made sure to get to our tailgate spot bright a early so that we got a spot.  It was a close one...

The day was a blast with good food, fun games and GREAT friends!  With the help of hand warmers, feet warmers and my new stocking cap, I even stayed super warm.  The best part was that we won!  40-10 Iowa.  Go Hawks!!

Now, on to new business.  Chemo is D-O-N-E, DONE!
Treatment number six was a tough one but knowing it was my last helped.  After a week of taking it easy, I decided it was time to get back to normal, as far as work was concerned.  I worked three full days before I realized that it would be a four day week instead of five.  Lol... best laid plans, right?


The next two weeks were 5 days and pretty much regular hours.  I was tired and my feet were not thanking me but it felt so good to get back to this 'normal'.  I was starting to worry that maybe my job was a part time job since I had been doing it basically part time for so long.  I was wrong.  It just took the two week at regular hours to feel good about my job needing to be full time.  I need to probably give the best chiropractor ever a shout out at this point.  Dr. Jessica worked hard on my back!  That was a new side affect to deal with.  I think it had more to do with sleeping for 2/3 of my life than it did with chemo itself but she was able to keep me walking!


Christmas also happened in those two normal weeks.  Spending time with all of the parents, brothers, sisters and our kids was exactly what was needed.  OH... I found out on Christmas Eve that I could taste wine again!  I made sure not to over indulge - I didn't want to make myself feel yucky when I finally felt so good!  It was wonderful to enjoy a little vino with the ones I love :)  I hope everyone's Christmas was a great as mine!


My next battle happens tomorrow morning.  We check into Genesis East at 5:15am.  I will have a bilateral mastectomy at 7:15.  They are planning to take at least 10 lymph nodes from the right side also.  For now, we are leaving it at that.  I decided on taking both a long, long time ago.  Well before cancer happened, actually.  I have always said that if I was put in this position, they would both go.  I stand by that and we have not looked back.  We still don't know why I have breast cancer, so it is not worth chancing anything.  Facing the reality, I am just worried about the surgery itself.  I have never been through something major before.  Hopefully, one night in the hospital will do the job and I'll be at home with my husband, kids and parents on Thursday.  I have been told that recovery for this surgery is not so bad and the pain is actually more discomfort than anything else.  I'll be off work for three to four weeks if all goes as planned.


Once the pathology comes back, we will know if we need to do radiation or not.  I have been told by the oncologist and the plastic surgeon to plan on it though.  Apparently, treatment is typically very aggressive with women my age.  I am glad that they are being aggressive.  I don't want this back. 


Since radiation is very likely, the plastic surgeon can't do reconstruction at the same time.  After looking at the calendar for the upcoming year, I think we will probably wait until this time next year.  I want time to heal and be good.  I really don't want to take another summer away from my kids.


I have my family and friends surrounding me and that is all I need to get through this.  Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers and love that have been coming my way.  I feel all of it and they continue to work!  I will be in touch again after surgery.  Love you!

#LoveWins

Hi!  I'm back.  I have not forgotten about this blog, believe it or not.  So much has happened in the last two months but I didn't know how to put it into words.  I think I have an idea now... we'll see.


First of all, I am a week out from treatment #5.  I only have one left!  I can see the 'light' at the end of the tunnel so to speak.  Each treatment has taken a bit more out of me and it has taken a bit longer to bounce back. Basically, I sleep all the time.  Several naps each day and still sleep all night long. With the help from my village, I'm making it!
Here's the deal.  I thought was ready to write a while ago but I wasn't.  I was put into a situation where my life really looked pretty good compared to a few other people in my world.  I needed time to use my perspectacles and take a quick breath.  First, I couldn't get myself to put my struggles and strides out there knowing that a dear friend lost a shockingly short battle with his cancer.  His wife... Wow... the courage she has shown through the whole thing... there are no words.  She had some real troubles.  She needed the prayers.  She is shining bright through all of it.  As I watched her in awe, I counted my blessings.

Then, there is this other amazing women.  She is seven years younger than me.  She has breast cancer, too.  We are both loved and prayed for by many of the same people.  Her breast cancer is so much worse than mine.  She has Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC).  There needs to be more research.  The researchers need more money.  My friend needs more time.  Life is just not fair. I needed some time to come to terms with all of this.  This nasty disease just sucks.
As cheesy as it sounds, I know how lucky I am.  My cancer, it is so treatable!  Every single turn we have made and answer we have found has been the best case scenario.  I guess I must have some sort of survivors guilt.  I couldn't find the words to talk about my world when really - it's going to be alright.  In fact, it's going to be great.  I have the gift of time and I will never, ever take that gift for granted.
On October 1st, myself and 15 incredible women went to a fundraiser for Susan G. Komen.  It was the Butterfly Brunch to kick off Breast Cancer Awareness month.  A few of us brought our daughters and that was really special.  Those baby girls are the reason for the passion.  They will reap the rewards for all of the work done now.  It was very emotional to stand with Kiley knowing that (hoping that) she would not have to deal with this devil the same way we have to today.  It turns out that I was so taken with the morning that not many pictures were taken at all.  Lol!  Here are the few that I do have.


This is the whole entire crew!  These women gave freely of their time and money for all the men, women and little girls out there who are alreadyand will be affected by this terrible disease. They are my whole world.  Some of them have been there for 21 years and counting... Wow... that's a long time! (Looking at you Tessa and Lisa)

Other of these women have become friends more recently but I tell you what, time just does not matter!  I could not do life without a single one of them.





Aside from a couple of treatments, the rest of October and November went really well!  We had a bridal shower for my new sister in law.  My cousin got married in Omaha and MY BROTHER GOT MARRIED!!!  So exciting.  We were able to see so much family that we NEVER get to see!!  We got to see them TWO weekends in a row!!!!  This was so special.  My Aunts have been my backbone since day one.  I get to see our family from Minnesota fairly often but the other side of our family is just more spread out.  To get to see them and squeeze them in real life... it meant everything. 
Throughout all of this, one thing keeps happening to me.  I am humbled over and over and over again.  People are so willing to give and to help.  In the beginning - and now at times - I was very uncomfortable accepting all of it.  I am the caretaker.  I am the fixer.  I have had to accept that at least half the time, I cannot take care of others or fix all of the things.  I need help.
My parents came back up north for a few weeks to help again before the wedding excitement.  That is so much.  Everything, actually.  When they are here, the kids are covered, the house is covered.  Aaron and I just have to get through treatments and recovery.  Love.
From the beginning, friends have been sending dinners to our house during the 50% of my life that I am sleeping.  Again, this was something that I thought was over the top and unnecessary.  I was wrong, again.  Even when I think I am feeling ok, having that load off of my shoulders means the world.  Aaron is working so hard doing all of the kid running every week.  For my sisters to care enough to make sure that my family eats something other than McDonalds or cereal; that stops the mom guilt from purging completely out of control.
The moral of this story?  Sisters unite!  We will always say we are good and that we have it under control.  Maybe we will be good... and maybe there will be some semblance of control visible through the Instagram filters... but we know better. 
When you see your sister struggling, reach out. You are NOT going to be a bother.  Don't talk yourself out of that text message.  Send it!  Find that great old picture and post it!  When you walk past the Hallmark aisle at  Hy-Vee and think of your long lost pall, spend the extra $1.  Snail mail ROCKS!  My new sister calls it 'Happy Mail'.
Know what would be even better?  If we didn't wait until something super scary or tragic happens.  Lets love each other always, every day.  We are busy and time gets away from us so quickly.  That is the best reason to send love often.  You will make a difference every single time.  I love you all and  realize that I cannot do this without you.  Now please, for me, pass that love on to someone else in  your world who deserves an extra special surprise!  #lovewins

Hair today.... Gone tomorrow

It happened.  My hair fell out.  I knew that it would but I was hoping that I would be the exception to the rule.  Cancer won this small battle but do you know what?  It is not the end of the world.  I think for this post, the pictures can speak much louder than I can.  I will start by letting you know that I was told it was a good idea to look for a wig while I still had hair.  That advice turns out to be correct. It was emotional enough to try on the wigs and scarves that I was just not able to buy anything that day.  As with every other step on this crazy journey, my friends and family were by my side.  Thank God!  They are just the best.

We started our search at Hats, Hair 'n Wigs in Davenport.  Gloria owns it and she was just GREAT!  She was so helpful and had such great advice.  She is a tell it like it is gal and it was just what I needed.  She was able to lighten things up when it started to get a bit heavy.  You should all go there.  The hats are so cool!!  Don't we all need a big floppy hat?

This was wig number one.  Not my favorite but it was a start.  These suckers are tough to put on!  It should be noted that even though she didn't take a selfie to prove it, Sarah Peakin was the magic behind the camera helping to document all of this emotion.  Thank you, friend.  I love you so much for these images!

Kiley thought the wig okay.  She is such a strong girl.  So far, she has not been fazed by any of this.  I love her so much!

Comic relief was necessary on this very emotional day.  Tessa was the best!  I am so glad she made the trip from Vinton to be with me.  Remember how awesome I said the hats were?  I am totally going to get a fascinator for my brothers wedding.  I'm really excited about it!!  Maybe not this exact one though.  I don't think I could pull it off like Tess does.

Here is wig number two.  I liked this one much better.  It is more like my actual hair and close to the same color.  The emotion in this picture though.  Wow.  It was a really hard day.  This is a very real picture.  As much as we tried to keep it light, we couldn't get away from the fact that cancer would be taking my hair.  I'm glad that my mom had Kiley though.  That helped.

Lora has been such a strong support system for me.  She is busy getting ready for a new school year but keeps making time when I need her.  She was right by my side with an honest opinion each time I needed one. Gloria was not messing around when it comes to caring for a wig.  Wet fingers only, ring finger and thumb only!

Time for head coverings!  These were tougher to try on because I felt like they were screaming cancer louder and clearer than the wigs.  Turns out that later on, after my hair was gone... I much prefer these!  Good thing that Gloria sat me back down to try them on!

This was the most fun find of the day though!  I bought one with a black hat and super long dark hair!  I might as well get to have some fun with this!!  I love my hat hair :)

Here is the end of our day.  I was done.  I think my entourage was done.  The weight of my situation was getting heavy and I just needed out.  Gloria fully understood and set all of my stuff in the back so I could come back later in the week to get it when I was more ready.  Today was not that day.

Gloria had told me to be very gentle with my hair.  She thought I had a week or so left before I lost it.  I was gentle with it at first but then you know what? It was going to fall out anyhow, I decided that I would brush and blow dry until I couldn't.  I was proud of my hair and I didn't want to look like I was afraid to touch it.  This appointment was on a Saturday.  My hair started to fall out the following Wednesday.  Not a whole lot at once but it didn't take any effort to pull it out with just my fingers.

I remember that on Thursday at work I was crossing my fingers that I would be able to make it through the weekend.  I was going to get my wig and covers on Monday.   When I showered on Friday night, those hopes were squashed.  It was unbelievable.  I could feel the hair fall from my head.  I had a towel on my head while i tried to think of what to do next.  I decided that I would just let it dry and I would just pull off my best messy bun ever on Saturday at work.  Maybe I would have to learn how to tie a scarf around my head to help out.

Once it was dry, I knew that was not an option.  It had dried into one solid dread lock.  So much of my hair and fallen out that I needed a quick plan B.  Aaron had just left for his birthday trip to Boston and I could hear my parents with the kids still.  This plan was on me.  I grabbed my brush and brushed and brushed and brushed.  Seriously... So. Much. Hair. came out of my head.  There was absolutely zero chance of a messy bun or a scarf covering any of the thin, stringy hair that was left.

That was when I remembered that my dear friend, Lisa had gifted me with a beautiful chemo cap a couple of weeks earlier.  That saved me for work on Saturday!  Leaving my room Saturday morning with my head covered was shocking for my parents (especially my Mom).  Now there was just no pretending.  I have breast cancer and it can't be hidden.

By Saturday night, plans had been made to have a shaving party on Sunday night.  The wispy thin strands that were left needed to go.  The next set of pictures are not my favorite.  You can see my insecurities, my worries and my fear.  I find myself thanking God again for my support system.  They are my constant light.  My children and my parents, are a couple of the brightest rays of sunshine in my life!

It is time to get started.  From the side, I guess it does not look so bad but let me tell you, there was hardly anything left.  Jennie also let me know that a lot of what was there was actually not attached anymore.  Ready, set, go....

Lora's hugs are the best hugs.  She was able to keep the mood lighter and Kiley adores her so much! You don't see her pictured because she is holding the camera again but Sarah Peakin is here supporting me in this huge step in the process that cancer is putting us through.

My kids are rock stars.  They are so tough and so loving! To be honest, I think that Brady thought this was pretty cool.  Lol :)

See, I can smile through this.  Do you believe me?  I don't think I could believe myself.  It felt good to get the itchy hair gone but man... I didn't want to see it go.

These two... they are the best.  I love that my Dad was able to be part of this.  I know it was not easy but I also know that it helped my kids to have him there.  It helped me, too.

I could feel the breeze and the rain drops on my head.  This was the worst.  I felt like my femininity was laying on the ground in the pile of hair.  Silly, I know... but that is what I was feeling.

Comic relief... catching raindrops in her mouth. :)

All done.  Inside.  I had not seen it yet and I was honestly already feeling better about myself. The yucky, stringy, thin stuff was gone and I could just move on.

 Here was my first look.  It was so weird!  I have to say, I don't know why my son does not like it when I rub his shaved head.  It feels good!!

 Here I am.  I am done.  My hair is gone.  I am still me.  Sitting on my bathroom floor with some my best friends surrounding me.  They are pretty great.  This support system that I have somehow stumbled into... I am one lucky girl.

CHE·MO·THER·A·PY, kēmōˈTHerəpē,ˌkemōˈTHerəpē

che·mo·ther·a·py

ˌkēmōˈTHerəpē,ˌkemōˈTHerəpē/

noun

1. the treatment of disease by the use of chemical substances, especially the treatment of cancer by cytotoxic and other drugs.
2. 
   
3. That is what google had to say about chemo.  Would you like my definition? Well...  It sucks.  It really does not need any more than that.  I went into my first treatment terrified.  I had talked to many people.  I had read many articles.  I had asked so many questions. Truly, I was very prepared by my whole medical team.  They were great.  It is just a scary thing.  I'm the girl that never even took Tylenol and here I was all 'ported up' and ready to be injected with deadly chemicals for the next four hours.  Weird!  
4. 
   
5. I told my Husband to finally work a full day so he (grudgingly) left for work and I had a friend pick me up and take me to the chemo room.  Seriously, how does a girl get lucky enough to have Jennie drive all the way out to my new house that is 15 minutes away from her own home, the opposite direction of the hospital, only to drive 30 minutes back to the hospital.  My sister in law, Cara Van Acker came to treatment with me too.  She met us there.  I LOVE her so much!  I am a very lucky girl for the circle of people around me.  I guess I did find some light that day!
6. 
   

My First treatment was actually a bit over a week ago on Thursday, August 11th. That was just 27 hours after my port placement.  Turns out they needed 24 hours for that to heal.  Good thing that worked out.   It took me a while to write this post because the side affects just kept coming.  I feel like a person now.  FINALLY!!!  It is pretty great, too :)  Anyway, they let the girls came back for the whole thing, including the exam.  I felt kind of bad while they had to listen to the doctor talk about scary things like the actual size of my tumor and then measure it. That makes the whole thing quantifiable and very real. The tumor is big.  Maybe sometime later on, I'll talk about specifics.  Good news?  Apparently, each treatment I go to should show immediate shrinkage of the tumor and lymph nodes!  I suppose they need to dangle something sweet in front of a person to get them to come back for six chemo treatments.  

Now we are in the chemo room.  It is a pleasant room with the best nursing staff ever.  They are very real and matter of fact about what is going to happen.  They have just the right amount of bed side manner and all the warmed blankets a girl could ask for!  They explain each medication, one at a time and go over what will happen to my body within seconds as well as days because of each of the meds.  Here we go...  They were happy with the port placement and while I am certain that I would have blown every vein in my arms if they tried to use an IV, putting that much pressure on a fresh surgical wound was the worst pain I have ever gone through.  I have had two kids, mind you.  I saw colors that I didn't know existed.  My nurse went into what I call nurse mode and got things set as fast as she could.  Now that that agony was over... time for infusion.  This was really not a big deal and I sat and chit chatted through most of it.

Let me tell you about the Benedryl.  I mentioned earlier that I am not a medicine taker so I feel all of the feels right away.  They put an IV of the stuff into my port and directly into my heart.  Lol!!  I have never taken drugs before and I think that is a good thing.  I was floating, warm, fuzzy... the whole nine yards.  Don't mind the reason for the Benedryl.  It just felt good.  Hahaha, always find the light, right? :)

After chemo was over, Aaron (my husband) was supposed to pick me up but I got done about 30 minutes earlier than planned so Cara was able to make it to a meeting at work and Jennie drove me home.  Right at that same time, my parents pulled up with our kids from Florida.  We needed them SO. BAD. Both the kids and my parents.  If I had not been clear, we had just moved into a new home about two weeks before.  The kids knew what was going on through phone conversations but we needed to hug them, kiss them and love them in person. They were excited to be home and run around the new neighborhood with their new neighbors.  The noise (and my son, Brady is good at noise) was music to my ears. 

My first hurdle was that night.  Mom and I didn't feel like making dinner and I knew that I would probably not feel well soon so we decided to go out to eat.  Blue Iguana is a local Mexican restaurant close to our new home.  I LOVE it.  I had already been there four times in two weeks.  We were going to go again!  Dad, Aaron and the kids went to the truck to put seats up and get ready to go.  I broke down.  I fell into my Mom crying that I was scared and couldn't leave the house.  I was terrified.  I didn't want to feel sick.  I didn't want to hurt.  I didn't want to do any of it.  She said just the right things, did just the right things and she calmed me down.  She got the guys and kids back into the house and we ordered pizza.  Perfection.

It is amazing.  It does not matter how old you get, parents are always the best.  They went so far as to have their mail forwarded from Florida to our house so that they can stay here as long as we need their help.  Sigh... I love them.  They are the best.

The next few days were much of the same.  I was tired.  So tired.  That is what 'they' say will happen and I tell you what, 'they' are right.  The one thing that happened that I was not prepared for was the shot I had to get the day after chemo.  I can't spell the name of it so I'm not going to try.  It is a shot that boosts the production of white blood cells so my low point on day 10 is not as low as it would possibly be.  Makes sense.  Sounds smart.  It is smart.  Let me tell you, wow.  I have never been so conscious of each and every joint and long bone in my body.  When that bone marrow works in over drive, you can feel it.  I know it is for the greater good but I did learn very quickly that it is not a sign of weakness to take the prescription pain pills.  They made me feel better and they made me sleep.  

I tried three times throughout the week before returning to work was successful. I now know I need that full week to let my body process the barrage of cell killing, mood shifting, body altering medicines that come with chemo.  At the end of the day my work days are six hours instead of nine and that is ok.  I am going to try two days in a row tomorrow and Monday and see how I do.  One day at a time.  One step at a time.  One hour at a time.  I had a great day yesterday and I took advantage of it.  I worked, I stopped at a great friends surprise 40th birthday party in time to surprise him and I even met my parents and son for a dinner out.  Was i exhausted?  Yes.  Was I a bit sore?  Uh-huh.  Was I happy?  Absolutely!  Cancer will not define my whole life.  It will take over three quarters of it but I will make sure to live the other quarter to the fullest. 

The Port - Step 1

I have a port.  It is really weird.  I had no idea what a port even was.  What a thing to need to learn. I can't even remember what time the surgery was originally scheduled but after moving head two times, Aaron and I got there at 6:30 AM.  Jennie Peakin and Lora DeCook - wow... what troopers... met us there that early also.

I got checked in and we went up to a room.  The three amigo's were able to stay in the room while I was gone.  I think it worked out well.  I certainly felt better knowing that Aaron was not alone.  First things first, I had to get ready.  They gave me the worlds biggest hospital gown.  Seriously...  This thing was giant!  I wrapped the whole thing around myself twice and still tied it in the front!  The nurse came in and just laughed. (Glad I could be the light in her day...Lol!)  She helped me get it tied correctly and then situated in the bed so that I wasn't showing off everything to everyone.

Next, I had to take off my jewels and adornments.  My wedding ring does not come off my finger often so that was literally and figuratively tough to do.  When my Parents found out about our official diagnoses last week, they sent me a beautiful necklace.  I love it... I cried happy tears. :)  It is a silver medallion of St. Agatha, the patron saint of breast health.  I keep it on all of the time.  It makes me feel safe and watched over. Here is Aaron taking it off... I was a little shaky.

Our next hurdle was the IV.  My veins suck.  Like... really bad.  This would be the reason that I am looking forward to having the port.  I don't want to feel like a pin cushion.  The nurses were so good.  Not only were they both really fun but they didn't let their egos get in the way when it came to my veins.  The first one found a great vein but it ran away just as fast as soon as she could stick me. On a side note, they numb me so I can't feel them looking.  That was a bit of a light to look forward to!

When the good vein ran away, she went to get the big guns.  A second nurse came in with determination and she was just as cautious and careful.  She laid the bed down, raised it up to her level (numbed my arm up again) and found a vein. JOB WELL DONE! Thank you so much for making it easy and painless. :)

When the anesthesiologist came in, he told me that he would give me just enough to love everyone in the room.  They called it conscious sedation.  Oh man, was he right!  I loved all of the people! Every single one of them.  I don't remember much other than chatting up a storm and then being told surgery was done.  I was totally baffled.  I didn't even know that the surgeon had been there.  They assured me that he had, in fact, been there and I had been chatting and joking with him.  Rest assured, they were laughing at my complete bewilderment. Yet again, I am very glad I was able to provide them with a light in their very early morning.  The rest of our time at the hospital was entertaining and I for one, was in a great mood and feeling no pain.  The pictures are not flattering!  Lol :)

We made it through step one of the cure.  I can deal with a few days of an achy shoulder and small wound. I am so thankful that my village -both near and far- is so strong and so incredibly loving!  I am one lucky girl.  The light at the end of this tunnel is a really beautiful one and I am starting to see the glimmer.

Where to begin...

I am 36 years old. I found a lump (completely by accident) a couple of months ago, when I was still 35. I know... SO YOUNG!  LOL... my silver lining is that people have started telling me I was young again.  I started this blog because over the past two weeks so much has happened and it has become harder and harder to keep people updated. I also started this because, surprisingly to me, writing things down in e-mail was therapeutic. It made sense that a blog must be just like paying for therapy, only I wouldn't actually have to pay. Score! 

I am going to tell my story step by step, day by day.  For right now, I can say for certain that I have invasive ductal carcinoma on the right side as well as cancer cells in the lymph nodes on the same side. There is also one spot of pre-ductal carcinoma on the right side.  That just means that the cancer cells are not yet able to spread as they have not yet figured out how to bust out of the milk duct.  They need to die and be removed before they turn into ductal carcinoma.  

Though I am not 100% sure yet what this means, other than it is best case scenario for my situation, the proteins on the cancer cells are HER2 negative, estrogen positive and progesterone positive. What I do know about this positive/negative business is that I will be able to do endocrine therapy after surgery.  It also means that my type of cancer is not particularly aggressive.    I had a pet scan today and will have an MRI tomorrow.  The pet scan had great news. Because my cancer is not particularly aggressive, it has not left my lymph nodes.  Those little buggers are doing their job and keeping that cancer in!!  Because of the large size of my tumor and because the cancer has made it to lymph nodes, I am officially at stage 3.  With chemotherapy now and surgery later, that stage is expected to lower dramatically, or better yet, go away completely.  

There has been so much information.  I hope I have all of the details straight.  I think I am at least super close.  I have learned one very important thing so far.  While other women (and men) fight breast cancer all the time, each and every experience is so drastically different.  This is my story.  I have reached out to other women in my world who are finding their own light in their fight.  Their experiences, while unique to them, still mean so much to me.  I am able to draw from their strength and maybe... some day... I will be able to shed some light on the subject for another women searching for her own.